Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

Dear Morgan,

I was reading our blog today and realised that nothing really funny has happened to me lately.  I must be getting all old and sensible all of a sudden.  Makes a change.  Even my cat has got old and sensible too.  No mice, rabbits, or any other creepy crawlies.

However, today I found myself setting up a new printer that I had bought a couple of months ago.  After unpacking it from the box and doing a quick set up, I grabbed hold of the user guide/manual that clearly read ‘READ THIS BEFORE YOU SET IT UP’.  Fortunately, I’m of slightly above average intelligence and had done it correctly, but I did spend five minutes reading it to make sure I hadn’t done anything stupid.  I have to say the guide was pretty boring reading after the 50 shades of grey trilogy.  It was so… well… clean!

Anyway, I set it all up, plugged the printer into the power supply.  Popped the CD into my player and went to install the software.  The instruction said ‘Please connect your computer to the printer by the USB cable’.    What USB cable?  I searched the box.  Nothing.  Nada.  I checked where I had opened it in case it had fallen out.  Nothing.   Maybe it’s kinky after all?  50 shades of printers!

The printer was not going to work without it, so into the car to drive the 15km back into town (grr) to talk to the store owners.  They opened the same printer box on the shelf to find…. No USB cable.   ‘Oh – this printer doesn’t come with the cable, you have to buy it separately’, they told me.

I have to say I’m rather gobsmacked.  The printer doesn’t effing work without it.   No one told me when I bought it I needed a cable.  It’s the stupidest thing I’ve come across for a long time.  To top it off, the printer is a Canon – a company usually reknowned for good service and products – but I have to say they really have let themselves down on this one. Why on earth are they selling products that are incomplete?   I liken it to selling a car without any ignition installed.





Breeding like Rabbits

Posted: April 3, 2011 in Humour, Rant

Dear Morgan,

That mouse that the cat brought in, never turned up again, and I fortunately do not have the pitter patter of tiny mouse feet anywhere in the house.  I’m sure if I did, my cat would alert me to it, but she has not been interested in anything.  Although she does go into my wardrobe occasionally and I get suspicious, but as soon as I take an interest, she walks out – so I gather there is no mice in there.

But, rabbits are another matter.  Since the great big macho cat over the road got knocked down by a car and killed, it’s been completely up to Kassia to keep the rabbit population at bay.  But it’s worn her out totally.  Either that or she’s gone on strike.  So instead of being outdoors and hunting, she keeps moaning in front of the hall cupboards until I take out a fluffy brown blanket.  It then goes on the leather couch and she retires there for most of the day.  It’s not cold enough for her electric blanket yet!

Anyway.  There are rabbits galore.  Everywhere.  I never thought I would ever want to kill a living creature, but when several rabbits start eating up your $2000 lawn, you start to want to deal in arms and buy the biggest bazooka you can get your hands on and nuke the bloody things.  They are no longer CUTE or SOFT & FURRY.  They become monster ogres with giant paws that are making holes the size of china in your lawn.  They even eat the roots of your trees.  Grrrrrrrrrr!

To give you a lesson in the size of the problem imagine the following.

One house next to a vineyard.

100 yards away at the end of the vineyard, there are 15-20 rabbits frolicking.

100 yards away at the other end of the vineyard there are 15-20 rabbits frolicking.

These are not cute, as they don’t seem to understand boundaries and slip into my yard.  I know the grass is greener on my side but that is not the point!

Lets for the sake of making things easy we’ll say there are 20 rabbits at one end and 20 rabbits at the other.  40 rabbits altogether.  At least half of those are females.

Week 1:  20 female rabbits get together with 20 male rabbits and do a bit of rabbiting hanky panky.    40 Adults. 20 Females
Week 2:  Holes in my lawn
Week 3:  Holes in my lawn
Week 4:  Holes in my lawn
Week 5:  Holes in my lawn
Week 6:  Holes in my lawn
Week 7:  20 Female rabbits give birth to 8 babies each.  That’s 160 Babies. 40 adults, 20 Females, 20 * 8 Babies (160)
Week 8:  20 Female Rabbits get together with 20 male rabbits and do a bit of rabbiting hanky panky
Weeks 9: Holes in the lawn
Week 10:  Holes in the lawn
Week 11:  Holes in the lawn
Week 12:  Kassia brings in four baby rabbits and puts 3  under my bed and one under the dining table.  So that makes 156 babies.

Adults – 40  (Females 20)
Babies – 156 (Females 78)
Total  – 196

Week 13-16: Holes in the lawn
Week 17: 20 female rabbits give birth to 160 babies.  Total baby rabbits: 316

Adults: 40 (Females 20)
Babies: 316
Total 356

Week 18: 20 female rabbits get together wither 20 male rabbits and do a bit of rabbiting hanky panky.
Week 19-24: Holes in lawn.  Kassia too exhausted to get any more babies and lounges around sleeping on the furry blanket in the lounge.
Week 25:  20 Female rabbits give birth to another 160 babies.  Total Baby rabbits: 476

Adults: 40 (20 Females)
Babies: 476
Total: 516

Week 26: The first babies are now sexually mature.  So out of the 156 babies, half of these will be female (give or take a few).  That’s 78 new females – add that to the other 20 – that 98 females doing a bit of rabbiting hanky panky.
Week 27-30: Holes in lawn.  Cat still too tired to do anything after the last 4 rabbits, and the magpies are onto to her and won’t let her into the vineyard anyway.
Week 31: 98 females have 8 baby rabbits each.  Total baby rabbits: 784 plus the last two breeding of 320 which now makes a total of 1104.

Total adults: 196  (98 Females)
Older babies:  320
New babies: 784
Total:  1300

Week 32:  The adults get it on again, plus the second lot of babies….
Week 32-40:  My lawn now looks like Craters from the Moon.  There’s an odd patch of grass, and my trees have all died as they have eaten all the roots.
Week 41 – the female populations of 98 + 80 (178) give birth to 8 rabbits each. Total:  1424 babies born.
Week 42 – I no longer have any lawn or any trees.  The ground is too dangerous to walk on.  If you do you’re likely to break both legs when accidentally tripping over a rabbit hole.  The ground is a seething mass of brown fur.  The cat is too scared to go outside for fear of giant bunnies.   Now 260 pairs of bunnies are in bunny heaven mating with each other to make more babies.   You can’t sleep at night knowing all this sexual activity is going on outside.  The ground reverberates and it’s not another earthquake – it’s just the earth moving for all these bunnies.

6 weeks later They give birth to 2080 rabbits.
I can’t count any more.  But in six, 6 week periods, a total of 4960 bunnies!

Adults females babies per adult Number of babies Total babies
Week 1 40 20 8 160 160
2nd 6 week 40 20 8 160 320
3 months 3rd 6 week 40 20 8 160 480
4th 6 week 40 20 8 160 640
5th 6 week 200 100 8 800 1440
6 months 6th 6 week 360 180 8 1440 2880
7th 6 week 520 260 8 2080 4960
8th 6 week 680 340 8 2720 7680
9 months 9th 6 week 1480 740 8 5920 13600
10th 6 week 2920 1460 8 11680 25280
11th 6 week 5000 2500 8 20000 45280
12 months 12th 6 week 7720 3860 8 30880 76160

Now where is that Bazooka – it hasn’t arrived yet!

by Morgan MacLaren

Dear Robyn,

Here’s a story to make anyone wonder what sort of bureaucratic monkeys are running our health system in New Zealand.

As you know my mother has to go to the hospital four times a week to do dialysis. Luckily she is training to operate her own machine at Greenlane Hospital (which, as you’ll remember from your numerous stays there with your vertigo, has wonderful staff and a good culture). So Greenlane Hospital is great. No gripes there.

However, earlier this week she had trouble with her fistula which prevents her from doing dialysis properly so the Greenlane guys got her an urgent appointment at Auckland Hospital to get an ultrasound scan done to find out what can be done. So far so good. She turned up at 0900 this morning for her appointment and ended up waiting several hours before being told the appointment would have to be postponed. That’s not particularly unusual though for Auckland Hospital. Unexpected emergencies happen often as you might expect in a hospital. That’s understandable.

But here’s were things get really stupid. Today is Tuesday and there isn’t another appointment available now until Thursday lunchtime. So they booked her the available appointment. Seems straight forward enough – except it’s not. Now that she is booked to have the scan on Thursday she CANNOT LEAVE THE HOSPITAL because that would cause her to become classed as an “out patient” and she will lose the appointment as soon as she walks out the door. If she becomes an out patient she will have to wait a whole month to be seen again! … even though there is a slot free on Thursday. Eh?

This is completely crazy but there’s not much she can do about it because she cannot wait a month have a scan – she has to do dialysis every other day so the Thursday appointment is ideal. So, even though she is not actually sick she will be taking up a hospital bed for the next two nights just to keep her place in a line. Never mind real sick people who might actually need the bed… one supposes they are expected to wait outside with the other out patients.

Fuck-me. How ridiculous can you get? My father started making some sort of excuse for this earlier stating that New Zealand is bankrupt and we don’t have enough money to fund our health system properly. Bugger that. This really has little to do with money and everything to do with bureaucratic idiocy. It does not cost money for human beings to get up in the morning and screw their brains in the right way so they can think. Any intelligent person can see the logical simplicity of the situation:

My mother has an appointment with Auckland Hospital at 1200 on Thursday.

It’s that simple. Period.

All that is required is for her to turn up at the hospital at that time.

There is no intelligent reason for her to take up a bed that someone else who is sick will need.

It’s clear that we have monkeys with brains in their bums making up the hospital rules in this country. I feel sorry for the staff who have to enact such dumbarse nonsense. (Apparently they were really nice people and very apologetic).

Maybe this sort of garbage is pervasive in government department type institutions. (Personally I have no objection to National trying to make them more efficient so long as any changes are intelligent and fair).

I’ve had first hand experience of the Governmental “Ministries of Stupidity”. Years ago when I first started working I was a “civil servant” for the Inland Revenue Department. It would have to be one of the most innane and inefficient places I have ever worked (as well as not being much removed from George Orwell’s 1984). We had some really brain dead rules. One was that you could not start work early. You had to work from 0900 to 1700 (and take lunch from 1200 to 1300) – LITERALLY. Trying to start work a few minutes early or come back from lunch at 1250 was NOT ALLOWED UNDER RULE #358, SUB SECTION #8925 OF RULE BOOK #452. There was a radio in the corner of the room tuned to one of those “proper” BBC emulated stations that goes “Beep Beep Beep Beep” on the official, scientifically calculated hour. You could start work AFTER the radio went “Beep Beep Beep” and not a second before. Stupidly, we also had a glide time system of some sort were you could vary your hours but it was so mathematically complicated that no one ever bothered to use it. And it involved filling in a million forms about two months in advance to get approval from 5 very important people with official glide time approval duties in order to gain even a few minutes deviation from Beep-Beep-Time.

Another idiocy was that if one of your colleagues got a promotion and you were pissed off about it because you wanted the job yourself (never mind that your colleague was better than you and the most appropriate person for the job) there was a special pink “I’M PISSED OFF BECAUSE I THINK I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT JOB AND NOT MY COLLEAGUE IR666/3” form that you could fill out and submit to the monkeys upstairs. Once the monkeys got the form they would action it like automations and you could pretty much have the job straight away since you had formally complained on “an official looking special piece of pink paper with an IRD logo and identifying IR code number on it”! (That means you have to action it without thinking intelligently because it looks suitably like it comes from some authority you see…).

From my mother’s experience today it looks to me like not much has changed with this type of government department run institution since I worked in one. The most ironic thing about my Mum taking up a hospital bed for two pointless nights is that during the week a friend of mine had to go to Accident and Emergency because he has gall stones. And guess what? After waiting several hours he had to check himself out and go home again because

wait for it…..

they couldn’t find a free bed for him!!!

Morgan 🙂