Rules for your Gremlin

Posted: October 18, 2010 in Fun, Humour, Opinion, The Aliens have Spoken

Dear Morgan,

I finally posted your webcam off today. You should get it tomorrow or Wednesday. I put it in a little white envelope with your name on it. I wrapped it up in bubble wrap three times over, and taped it down with bright red and yellow polka dot sellotape. I also put a gremlin in there. Yep. A gremlin. The Gremlin is brown and fuzzy, with orange dots and goes ‘Meeeeeeeeep Meeeeeeeeeeeep’. If you give it water, it grows into a supersized gremlin and starts eating birds. You might like to try and avoid giving it water if you value your canaries and budgies’ lives.

You really need to be careful though, as it can choke on feathers, and if it chokes, it vomits up purple gel. Which is a pain as it can stick to everything, and if gets onto your hair, it’ll turn your hair permanently bright purple and you’ll never get it out, not even with other coloured dyes. However, if you collect this purple gel in icecream containers, you can roll it all up and make very very bouncy rubber balls. When the bounce, they change colours. These balls have super powers. Depending on what colour it turns, they have the power to change something around the world, like turn Christians into Atheists, or make idiots grow a few brain cells, and sometimes they can put criminals into prison.

You have to be careful of these gremlins as when you’re asleep, they can put their fingers up your backside and they can make you feel like you’ve got worms. Not a pleasant experience by any means. This in turn will make you start dreaming strange things, like being abducted by aliens, and can even make you wake up giggling uncontrollably.

The Gremlin I sent you is Bright Green, 2 inches high and weights 300 pounds. She responds to the name ‘Blob’. You must not feed the gremlin Egg. Egg is bad for gremlins. If they eat egg, they turn bright pink and start dripping bright pink everywhere. Like the purple vomit, you can’t get rid of the pink in anyway. Everyone will not only be able to tell you have gremlins, but you fed it egg!  However, if you collect this bright pink substance, wearing black sequinned gloves, and put it into blue glass, leave it for 2 hours, you can then stretch this pink substance out as it becomes very very stretchy. If you then poke this stretchy bright pink substance into your electrical sockets around your house, the power companies will think you’re supplying them with power, and start paying you. The problem is, it’s PINK POWER. and it’s no good. No good at all. It stuffs up all the electrical currents around the world. If they find out that it’s coming from you, they’ll start charging you double. The only way to stop the power companies from finding out it’s coming from your home, is to coat your house with raspberry coconut icing. This puts up a barrier.

Lastly, keep cat food away from your gremlins. You do NOT want your gremlin to eat cat food. They get as high as a kite. When the gremlin gets high on cat biscuits, it starts crawling around on the ceiling. You have to be very very careful as it will suddenly unscrew a lightbulb an throw it at you. But first it blows on the lightbulb, turning it into a cream pie. It gets, well, messy! There is no point ducking as it has an aim like nothing else. No matter how you bend, or where you hide, it’ll get you. If you say the word… ‘camnamathodrianothan’ while the cream pie is being thrown at you, the pie will turn into a chocolate pie. Just before it hits you, and you manage to also say ‘thanomanogrampianodian’, it’ll not only be a chocolate pie, but it’ll get fresh strawberries and rich raspberry sauce on top as well. Now, if you try to eat it, but you haven’t said ‘squerialicalomaniacious’, you will turn bright yellow with green and red dots for 48 hours. After 48 hours have passed you will begin to fade, but it’ll be 10 days before you’re totally ‘normal’ looking again. So you must learn those three words. They are vital if you are to survive a Gremlin high on cat biscuits.

If you forget these three words totally, and the cream pie hits you, you will end up in a Cream Pie Coma and sleep for 10 years. The only thing that will awaken you out of this coma, is if a sexy German guy comes in with a Bazooka, shoots out Seven windows (Windows 7 is fine), high fives the gremlins, bounces one of the rubber balls around the room for 10 minutes, (and you just hope it doesn’t fly out one of the windows he has just shot out), unplugs all the Pink Power out of the electrical sockets, looks at you, and asks…

Are you..

By any chance…



My advice for you is to just play it safe, and keep the Gremlin in the bag it came in. Do not open!

Cheers Robyn

  1. What the hell have you been drinking?

    M o_o

  2. … and where can I get some? 🙂

  3. […] 17. What scares you (apart from sharks in swimming pools)? Horror movies.  I won’t watch them.  Gremlins see… My other blogpost […]

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