Inventions and Technology

Posted: October 1, 2010 in Computer, Fun, Humour, Opinion

Dear Morgan,

I only have a vague recollection of asking you those two questions about inventions and technology, so I must have have asked you a fair while ago, when I was very young!  I have spent a week dreaming up all these weird and wonderful inventions that I would like, so here they are:

1).  I’d like to invent a perfect man.  One that tells you you’re wonderful.  One that brings you breakfast in bed every morning.  One that is prepared to forgo the rugby game to take you shopping with a visa card with no limit!  Perfect men don’t exist at present, which is why I’d like to invent one. The Perfect Man would be able to fix anything that needed fixing, keep the house tidy, keep up with outside chores and still have lots of energy for ‘later’!  There are a few more things on this list that these perfect men would do, but I’m not sure of our exact reader age, so therefore will leave it to your wild imagination (which I know you have!).

2). I’d like to invent a hand-held machine that would ‘hear’ any conversation then ‘instantly caption’ speech anywhere, anytime.  So where ever I am, or whatever I am doing, I can have full access around me by being able to read my ‘machine’.  This would also be fully equipped to translate any language, which would then be a boon for travellers, travelling around the world.

3).  I’d like to invent number 2, just for being able to understand animals.  An animal interpreter machine. Just the other day a magpie cawed at me, and I’d like to know which swearword it was so I could say it back to him!  I’d name this machine the Doolittle Translater.  Like #2, this machine will have to translate English back into the animalspeak so I could explain to the cat just WHY she doesn’t need the electric blanket on when it’s nearly summer, and why she really doesn’t need a litterbox when outside is lots of garden and dirt that can do just as well!  I’d also like to know why she continually tries to bury her food in kitchen, and would like to explain to her that I would prefer her plate left where I feed her, and not in the middle of the kitchen floor where I trip over it! This machine just may save someone’s life.  Mine!

4). I’d like to invent the instant teleporter, so I could choose to be anywhere, anytime in the world instantly.  Going to London for the day would be a reality.  Heading to an erupting mountain somewhere off the beaten track with my camera would be a walk in the park.  There would be no need to find housesitters as you could be home in time to feed the animals.

5). A pill that I could take that would instantly restore my hearing to perfection!

So those are my inventions.

Technology?  Anything?

1). Adobe CS5.  Photoshop.  The mother of all photoshop versions.

2). a Canon 100-400m Lens for my bird photography

3). a Canon 10-22mm wide angle lens for my landscapes

4). An electric car.  I hate the price of petrol.

5). Solar power right through my house (I hate the price of electricity).  Do you think we could have solar powered cars too?

6). A Mini Laptop for travelling.  (My current laptop is too big to lug around)

7).  A ride on lawn mower.  Although if my invention for a perfect man came off, this would be redundant in the technology section!

8). A utility bed.  Yep – A bed in my room where at the touch of a button, a TV screen pops out at the end of it for me to watch.  Another button and a computer comes up from underneath.  Another button and there’s tea making facilities and/or unlimited champagne.  If my invention for a perfect man comes off, there would be no need to get out of bed!

9). A printing press for all my artwork I’m just getting into now.

10). An electronic piano.  One that looks like a real piano, but does a gadzillion things electronically in terms of music. They’re only $17,000 or so new!

11). The latest cochlear implant complete with remote control, in bright pink!

12). A new fridge.

13).  A nice big spa pool.  Complete with book holders, drink cabinets and holders, computer holders for waterproof laptops.

14). A computerised treadmill.

15).  A computerised watering system for my garden.

I’m sure I have more technology that I want, but can’t think of the rest right now.  I love gadgets, so anything new on the market I want to try anyway!



  1. Morgan says:

    Ha! That’s brilliant. I love your man invention.

    I am cracking up though coz I think all your technology you would like to have is completely feasible and you will end up with most of it …. whereas most of my technology wishlist items are in impossible cuckoo land!

    Morgan 🙂

  2. Yeah – but your personality means your head is always up in the clouds, in cuckooland, and mine means I’m much more ‘practical’! So therefore my inventions are going to fit my present needs, and yours will fit the needs you have in cuckooland 😉


    • Morgan says:

      Ha ha yes! This is why I need you as a friend. Otherwise I would never notice there is a real world outside of the imaginery one I inhabit……

      ooooh look….. a pink elephant just went by on an electric scooter…..

      [runs after pinkephant]

      M 😛

  3. Let’s do a deal then Robyn. You get the scooter, I get the pink elephant… (it does exist, it does exist, it does….)

    [trips over scooter in real world chasing pink elephant in surreal one]

    M 🙂

    • You’re on. You do know that Pink Elephants do huge pink poops 🙂

      • Yes. Pink elephant poohs are made from strawberry icecream and taste delicious so I will be buying a big freezer and starting up my own icecream company just in time for Summer.

        Bonus, because pink elephants are imaginery they don’t require feeding. So apart from the big freezer and electricity bill my business will have very low expenses for manufacturing the icecream. Just imagine elephant and wait for poop. It even comes prepackaged in nice containers direct from the elephant. And you can change the artwork and wording on the package any time by whispering in the elephant’s ear.

      • For any business to be successful, you must market it correctly to attract customers. I’m not sure that Strawberry Elephant Poop Icecream will attract many people. You’ll have to come up with some sort of catchy innuendo. I suggest you ask Lia as she seems to have some great rhymes that would probably do it 🙂

  4. swim10000 says:

    Okay, firstly I’d like to say, Morgan, you are mad! This is truly the craziest thing I’ve been asked to write, but, as I am not one to disappoint, here you go…

    Let me introduce you to
    My imaginery friend
    He’s Whippy the pink elephant
    With a sweet, gifted rear end
    He’s not like other elephants
    He is truly sweet, you see
    Just feed him your favourite flavour
    And he will poop out some icecream

    He’s made flavours of all kinds
    A truly mammoth effort
    Whippy’s strawberry is my favourite
    Once you try, you won’t forget it
    Whippy grazes on the highest quality
    Sweetest, freshest berries
    The icecream he makes is simply delish,
    Better than you get at dairies

    And as an added bonus,
    Chocolate topping also goes
    by munching on some cocoa beans
    and swirling with his nose (or trunk)

  5. Very clever Lia!

    Thanks for the chocolate topping idea too. He likes that one (mmmm cocoa beans…).

    Must ask if he can poop cones and nuts as well…

    M 🙂

  6. ET says:

    Re invention number 4, be careful what you wish for!

    This thread (by earthlings) points out some of the possible problems:

  7. Er about the teleportation ET… what that poor sod missed with the comment about your soul surviving the disassembling of your body is that there is no soul to be worried about. So no problem!

    In any case, it is all done with irrational numbers and axioms of choice so there is nothing to worry about except that you will end up with two of yourself every time you teleport…

    Morgan 🙂

  8. ET says:

    Let’s say a 100% reliable tele-transportation machine is built. You know it works by basically doing a destructive (but also quick and completely painless) scan of the “input” and then generates a perfect copy at the other end, constructed of different “matter” but otherwise physically identical for all intents and purposes to the body that was scanned. You’ve seen some of your friends use the device and they come out the other end apparently completely happy and unchanged from how you knew them to be. Would you be happy to go through this machine now? Wouldn’t the real “you” die in the process even though the copy was indistinguishable to everybody else?

  9. ET, um…. I don’t know that I would go in the machine. I mean, sounds logical enough – if your “soul” is really just your self concept created by your brain, then so long as the machine could make a copy of your brain with all your memories stored then, in theory, you would still be you on the other side.

    On the other hand you say that it makes you as a copy but from “different matter” – so how do you figure that? Would that essentially be the same as an identical twin who shares the same genetic make up BUT is also composed of different matter (or for that matter, cloned sheep and dogs – same genetic information – different bodies)? We don’t regard them as the same person/animal. And the distinguishing feature may be that it is impossible for them to have 100% the same conscious experience because they inhabit a different space. So they all have slightly different personalities (albeit based on identical biological initial conditions). And as well as being made from different matter.

    Then again, all of us are made from recycled materials. We perceive ourselves to be the same person we were at the beginning of our lives and yet by now all the cells that make up our bodies would have died and been replaced many times over – so we are not physically the same person at all! But copies of our memories (however that works) must have been replicated also to make us think we are. So in a way, going in the machine and coming out the other side as different matter arranged in the same genetic pattern, with a copy of all our memories, could simply be an accelerated version of that!

    I’ll let you decide….

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