If You Hate Your Job Aliens Will Abduct You

Posted: July 7, 2010 in Business, Humour, The Aliens have Spoken
Tags: , , , ,

Dear Robyn,

Dear god, how do you find these weird things like P-Mate?! I choked on my coffee, barfed up a lung and fell off my chair laughing. I can just imagine you trying that out on one of your photography shoots up some mountain. Worse, I can imagine you are going to make me try that when I come to Blenheim! So, I confess, it’s fun being a logical nerdy girl and sharing an interest in fun stuff with the boys like sound engineering, Turing Machines, robots, electric guitars and fast cars but I draw the line at standing up to pee!

And okay, okay already! I know I have been absent for a week…. Actually I am lying completely. I have no idea how long it’s been. Or where I’ve been. What day is it? As you’ve pointed out to me before “Your brain is miles ahead of your body – in outer space!” So, sorry to disappoint you. You weren’t expecting my body and brain to meet up some time this week and get co-ordinated with each other so I could log into Skype were you? Could be a mission considering neither of them has a sense of direction or a GPS Unit. One thing I am certain of though – I have definitely not been abducted by aliens!

I wondered how long it would take you to wangle “anal probe” into one of our blog posts (I can hear you now “If an alien civilization is sophistocated enough to travel this far to our galaxy to abduct us you would think they’d have a better way of figuring out how we tick than sticking …” ahem yes Robyn!) I guess for anyone who doesn’t know us we should explain what the fascination with alien abductions is. Well, I’m interested from a psychological perspective because it fascinates me why anyone would believe they have been abducted in the first place… and with you, well, you are just warped!

Anyway the real reason I have not been online lately is because I am making a web mess stuff. Hence I don’t really have time to write a whole blog post. So instead I am going to post something I posted last year about aliens the last time we discussed this which still makes me laugh (is it wrong if you crack up at your own blog post?) I seem to remember I wrote this because my friend was moaning he hated his job and we thought abduction would be a cool excuse for him going AWOL. Of course I don’t really think that’s his solution, though if aliens really abducted him that would be a great way for me to get out of listening to the moaning! Gets a bit tiring considering my job is cool. I have to confess to being majorly tempted to changing my business name to “The Alien Abduction Company” after I wrote that. Shame some weirdos who actually believe they have been abducted have already named theirs like this! Anyway, to the post Batman….

If You Hate Your Job Aliens Will Abduct You.
Friday, 13 March 2009

Robyn and I were having a laugh earlier about what kind of silly businesses we could create for fun and one idea that came up was a business that creates excuses for people to be absent from jobs they really, really, really hate. My favourite idea that came up was “The Alien Abduction Company”. Fed up with your tortuously mundane and dull job? Call “The Alien Abduction Company” and they’ll send two “aliens” kitted out in grey Spandex and fencing masks with big vacant eyes glued to the front, to drop by in a spaceship painted Smart Car to “abduct” you to their planet … (actually they’ll just take you to a party at the pub down the road full of beer and girls but no one needs to know that). They’ll have Wi-Fi at the pub so you can email the terrible news from “outer space”:

“Dear Boss,

Kevin here. I am sorry I will not be into the office today as I have been abducted by aliens. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

PS: The experiments are horrendous, but surprisingly much more bearable than my actual job so I think I’ll opt for staying on the ship a bit longer and endure being tortured here rather than in the office, thanks!

PPS: If you are looking for the rest of Sales and Marketing, I’m sorry but Baz, Dave and Jeff have been abducted as well.

PPPS: The aliens appear to be trying to drug us with some sort of tranquillizer – a strange liquid which is amber coloured and has a white froth on the top and has a consistency and taste something like beer….. funny, makes your head spin and blurs your vision just like beer too……

PPPPS: I think they are also running some sort of breeding program in an attempt to continue their race which, unfortunately has now dwindled to a purely female population and is in danger of becoming extinct. Fortunately the aliens aren’t too bad looking because they have genetically modified themselves for our benefit to look exactly like Hooters Girls!

PPPPPS: Don’t waste tax payer money sending a rescue space shuttle or contacting SETI. I am sure we can all survive this terrible ordeal and convince the aliens to return us to Earth in time for pay cheque collection on Thursday.

PPPPPPS: Understandably I think our nerves are going to be shot by the time we get back to Earth and that could result in some under performance in our jobs. I’m sure you’ll understand though that this might make it hard for us to meet the stiff sales targets Management have set for the latest Quarter. If you could perhaps convince them to go easy on their expectations and also give us some paid leave so we can take time off to recover that would be really helpful.

Thanks for being so understanding.

Kev.

(Incidentally, I am going to be changing my name by deed poll to Richard when I return just in case any of these alien females try it on for child support or marriage).”

Ha! Don’t think this would make a very good business. But sticking with the alien theme I am in the middle of inventing a game with ETs in it that combines elements of chess, Turing Machines, Poker and Conway’s mathematics…. should appeal to an audience of 1 – Sheldon off Big Bang Theory!

Morgan 😛

Image by Spekulator

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Comments
  1. Kim says:

    Do Aliens have manicures?

  2. Yes, apparently they love them…

    Aliens getting a manicure
    http://www.zazzle.co.nz/vintage_sci_fi_postcard-239136798054448870

    Morgan 🙂

  3. Incidentally the number one reason people found my original post was because they had Googled the phrase;

    “How do I get myself abducted by aliens”

    You have to wonder…..

    Morgan 😛

  4. ET says:

    You know, I’ve always been surprised by how often a woman from Earth wins the Miss Universe contest. Do you think it’s rigged?

  5. Damn, I knew there was something up with that contest!

    M

  6. Kim says:

    How exactly do clones get to win the Miss Universe contests when they all look the same?

  7. Kim says:

    Even earthlings get weird manicures. Earthing Lilo is a prime example.

    http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/celebrities/3896702/LiLos-pointed-message

  8. Well, if the judge asked why she had “fuck u” written on her nails in court she has the perfect excuse.

    “It wasn’t me………….. I was ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!!! They lasered that encrypted message onto my nails in their language. I have no idea what it says……”

    Aliens are very handy.

    Morgan 🙂

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