Archive for July, 2010

Boredom and Oddities

Posted: July 31, 2010 in Uncategorized

Dear Morgan,

Today is day 23.  Day 23 of keeping my foot up all day.  Day 23 of sitting in one corner of the lounge with my foot up all day.  Day 23 of total absolute boredom.  I’m sick of reading.  I’m sick of TV.  I’m sick of computers.  I’m sick of the walking frame.  I’m sick of crutches.  I’m sick of my four walls.  I’d really like to get out and climb Mt Fishtail, or Mt Riley.  Or go skiing at Rainbow Valley.  Or throw snowballs.  There is nothing I’d like better than to cook a nice roast chicken.  Meals on Wheels just don’t cut it really.  Especially when you get three out of the five meals they supply, exactly the same.  Beef Casserole x3.  Sticky meat with mashed spud.  Ick.

I have 11 days left of plaster.  If it’s healed enough, the plaster will come off and I’ll have a bandage instead.  I’m hoping like hell it’s healed and I don’t have to have plaster again.

While stuck inside like this, I’ve been going through the junk mail and looking at the spring fashion, and planning some additions to my wardrobe.  I hope that there will still be clothes in the shop by the time I can get there.  I’ve also been looking at some bling.  Accessories.  You know – bracelets, necklaces, earrings, nose plugs.

Yep, you read that right – nose plugs.  I found them on the internet on one of my boredom forays.  They’re only used by older women now, but that’s okay, we’re both getting on in our years and I figure we may as well try them out.  I actually think they look quite cool…

These nose plugs are used by the Apatani tribe in India.  However, since 1970, they haven’t been put in anyone, so only the older women use them now.  They were put in to make themselves look ugly so other tribes wouldn’t come over and rape or kidnap them.  I wonder if we could get them in use here as anti rape kits?  It also brings to mind the words – true love.   If a man loves them, then they are loved for who they are and not what they look like.  It would certainly weed out what a man is marrying you for wouldn’t it?  Money!  I knew it!!

But I still think they’re kinda cool.  There is one question I have though.  What happens if you have a cold?  If you sneeze, do the plugs go flying out and hit people in the eye?  If your nose is running – where does it run out of?  And do they come in different colours?  Green?  Yellow?  Red?

Cheers

Robyn

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Sharks in Pools

Posted: July 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

Dear Morgan,

The poem Lia wrote for you is so you.  It was hilarious.  Right down to the time keeping, personality, geekiness, nerdiness, and humour.  I laughed.    Told Lia I thought it was brilliant, and the next thing I found one in my email box for me which made me laugh even more.   I don’t barf with I laugh though like you.  So thought I would send it to you to read too.  Which has got me thinking.  Do you think we two should write one for Lia? I might have a go later today 🙂  I also now know why she’s swimming – read the last few lines…..

I can’t hear them coming, Robyn explained
I don’t want to get battered, beaten and maimed
And to avoid this, I have but one simple rule
I will never come swimming with you in a pool

I never knew a swimming pool could harbour such fears
As I have been swimming in said pools for years
I have always enjoyed swimming as a form of fitness
And such physical torture I have not ever witnessed

Not coming from the fear that Robyn explained
Of being battered, beaten  and maimed
But fears, we all have them, and avoid when we can
The things that stop us from a task at hand

For me, as a child, I was scared of the dark
For Robyn, in swimming pools, her fear is of sharks
Robyn is deaf, the very root of her fear
Is believing her deafness wont allow her to hear

A lone shark approaching her from behind
Even though, through my laughter, and tears I have tried
To tell her that there’s no exception to the rule
That no one can hear a shark swim in a pool

Not only this, but sharks swim in the sea
They need salt-water to live, not chemicals and chlorine
What about the size of the shark and the pool
There must have been very small sharks at her school

Cos our pool was only about 35 feet
Too small I would think, for most sharks to retreat
I’ve asked Robyn to swim with me sometime this year
As I swim 10,000 lengths for charity to quash all her fears

I have been swimming for 10 days with no sharks to be seen
Nor a dolphin, or Nemo, or other fish of the sea
So don’t try to listen for sharks that aren’t there
Simply let go of your irrational fear

Let your phobia fall on deaf ears tonight
And no more give in to the fright
There’s so much more to be enjoyed with the gift of your sight
Those male swimmers and their bodies are a pure delight

Dear Robyn,

Tonight I was talking to our wonderful mutual friend Lia, Lia, Lia (no idea why I call her that) on the phone and she read me this wicked poem she’d written for her friend Lisa to cheer her up (since Lisa has just had her leg amputated). It was all about the humourous benefits of missing a leg… it’s hard to think of any but she did! Ingenious. She really has a knack for doing nice things for other people – like swimming 10,000 lengths of the Millenium Institute pool this year to raise money to help the 10,000 people with Leukaemia (Story in North Shore Times here).  She’s bored today since she has the flu so she decided to write a poem about ME which is embarrassingly accurate and brilliant.

Thought you’d get good laugh out of this considering I have frequently

  1. Come to your house to visit YOU but ended up instead lying on your sofa/floor with Kass the cat on top of me snoring/reading a book/hijacking your laptop…. (well you would go and befriend an absentminded introvert…. not sure what Kassia’s excuse is)
  2. Come to your house to visit you but ended up hiding under the sofa with Kass because I am petrified of the kid’s cartoon movie on the tele….
  3. Turned up in the wrong century because I got lost in a time warp wormhole somewhere on my way over (read ‘got sucked into a Supermassive Library Blackhole’ on my way there – yes, they exist and are calibrated to be particularly magnetic to passing INTJs!)
  4. My ability to tell time (learnt this – finally – on a kiddies watch with 10 past, ¼ past, written on it when I was 29) is about as impressive as your ability to tell left from right (you’re still figuring this out aren’t you! Remind me never to give you directions while you are driving unless we want the car to go somewhere it wasn’t designed to go.)

Here’s the poem. I think it’s brilliant!

If you’re friends with a geek…

There’s is a lady that I know
Who is a self-confessed nerd
She talks so much that you’d be hard pressed
To get in a single word

She talks all day of aliens
Abductions, and sci-fi
She reads books about psychopaths
And will tell you your personality type

INTP, ESFJ, ISFJ and more
She’ll examine your personality
Until she can analyse no more

She’s a techno-geek, audiohead
Muse fan extraordinaire
She likes Rammstein and the Beatles
No similarities there

She writes her own songs
You should know that
But don’t let her sing them
In front of your cat
For she sings them with passion
Of her songs she’s so proud
But the cat will go running
From the singing so loud

And never ask my friend
The self-confessed geek
To meet you at any particular
Time of the week
For she cannot tell the time
And even if she could
I dont’ think that it’d matter
I don’t think that she would
For she goes by her own time
And I still don’t know what that is
Somewhere perhaps between your, her and my time, and his

But she will never be short of something to say
An opinion to give, and a laugh on the way
Just make sure that when laughing
A coffee she’s drinking
And she’ll barf it all up
Without even blinking

As for blinking, if you want her to simply close her eyes
Rent a movie and watch it, you might be surprised
You see, a phobia she has
Movies she finds scary
So turn on the movie
After her trip to the dairy
She’ll come 3 hours late with chips to share
She’ll put them in a bowl
Right in front of you there
But once the movie starts
With her eyes firmly shut
She won’t notice at all
If you eat them all up

She’s a loveable geek,
And very entertaining
She’ll fall asleep on your sofa
If outside it is raining.

I haven’t seen her for a very long time
But then if she can’t tell it
It’s her fault not mine
But then, alien time may be different you see
And perhaps the fault doesn’t lie with her, but me

So I will no longer suggest a time to meet
I’ll just wait, and I’ll wait, until I grow 2 more feet
I wouldn’t mind that you see
If the time she forgot
Because i’m not that attached
To the feet that I’ve got

Perhaps she’ll come visiting
On her spaceship one day
And she’ll take me to some alien planet far away
They can give me new feet, and a new language to speak
The benefits are endless if you’re friends with a geek.

Morgan 🙂

Dear Robyn,

OK real real short one. What do you make of this? (video at end of post – if anyone needs captions I can make some but the donkey is the only one with an sort of intelligence and he doesn’t really say much…)

This morning on the Breakfast programme news they ran a story about an animal cruelty investigation in Russia where some beach hooligans strapped a donkey to a parasail and power boat and sent it for a fly around the beach (just like the tourists do). They are now likely to get two years in jail for this thoughtless act and good job too! Cruelty to animals is a horrible thing.

Hosts, Pippa and Paul Henry’s reactions to this were classic. Pippa of course thought it was mean and didn’t find it funny at all but predictably Paul cracked up completely in hysterics and I confess to replaying the article a few times just to watch him lose it! And I am ashamed to say that despite my (sometimes overly) kindhearted nature with these sorts of things, a hurtling donkey in space does look pretty hilarious and I joined the “rofling” party with a disturbing lack of restraint…  (rofl = rolling on floor laughing)

But it got me thinking that it’s interesting how we perceive things. It’s easy to agree with Pippa that the beach goers’ actions were cruel since the experience for the donkey would no doubt have been pretty stressful. But would sending it for a fly have earned those “hooligans” the same cruelty charge if the situation had been very different? What say there had been some sort of natural disaster and it was stranded on the beach and likely to drown if someone didn’t act? What if those same guys saw it’s predicament, harnessed it to a helicopter and sent it into the air in order to rescue it? Perhaps risked their own lives to do it? The donkey would still have been scared witless but  those guys would now be getting media attention for their kindness instead and we’d be calling them heroes not hooligans!

The bottom line though is donkeys were not built for flying. It’s pretty mean to send them into space for no good reason. Sheep and cattle were not designed to be hurtled down a motorway at 100 kph, crammed into a rattling, dusty truck full of manure and other nervous, frightened animals for hours on end either but we do this sort of thing to them every day in the name of dinner without batting an eyelid. We don’t care. It’s called farming. On the other hand, if  “hooligans” were to do the same thing by borrowing a sheep from a paddock, stuffing it into the back seat of their souped up Nissan Sylvia and go for a jaunt around the block for half an hour before returning it, that would easily grab the SPCA’s attention and get everyone fired up with cruelty accusations!

Kind of weird how things look to us in different contexts huh?

Morgan 🙂

Here is the video for anyone who wants to test their cruelty <–> hilarity meter… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x1G_e_0GIw or here…

Howdy Robyn,

Hope everything is going well with your foot and you are managing OK as hoppy, haven’t become dizzy, tripped over the cat, choked on the cat or worse, died of boredom!

Just in case you are going spare while you are unable to galavant all over the countryside like you normally do (you’re not I hope!) I thought I’d tell you about the fun site I found today via a fellow Muser*. It’s called Wordle and it takes a bunch of words and makes them in to an artwork or “word cloud”. Looks awesome. You’re a writer so I figured you’d love it. The crazy Muser posted up some of Matt Bellamy’s lyrics and they looked quite profound like that so I thought I’d have a go at posting two of my songs (No One Will Know and Centre of Gravity) through the Wordle machine and see what it made of them. Here’s the result:




Looking at them like that is weird. Now I can’t imagine how I crammed all those words into one place. If you would like to have a play here is the link to Wordle

Morgan 🙂

*Muser = obsessed demented Muse fan who lives online on the Muse Boards. Not to be confused with regular “Muse fans” who resemble normal sane people. According to singer Matt Bellamy, Musers are completely crazy and he would definitely want to be one if he weren’t actually in Muse himself. I am a Muser, therefore this must mean I am crazy and also not a member of Muse …. Good to know…

Abducted, Back, and Bored

Posted: July 11, 2010 in Humour, Opinion, Websites

Dear Morgan,

Well – I was abducted by a surgeon on Thursday afternoon.  I’m now back home with my foot in plaster and I’m bored.  Bored.  Bored.  I managed to keep occupied for a little while playing online scrabble with a friend on facebook.  I had 6 games going at once with her.  But my playing partner got tired and went to bed.  Sigh. You’re not around to harrass on skype, so I turned to Google.  Google HAS to have the answer – it has the answer for everything!  So I typed in ‘What to do if you’re bored’.

I came across a website with 75 things to do when you’re bored.

Here’s just 10…..

1) Blink wildly and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show
See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out shapes and see if your subconscious is trying to send you a message.

Sigh – and the point is?  If I did that I would probably render my head to a Migraine Headache.  Okay – I admit it – I tried it.  It did absolutely nothing.  I got no interesting light shows, and it kept me occupied for a full 5 seconds!  Next…

2). See how long you can hold a note
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Inhale deeply and then try and make a noise for as long as you can.

Okay – I did this.  Twice.  The first time my cat woke up and got out of her igloo.  The second time she jumped on my knee and put her head in my mouth.  Having cat fur in your mouth is no fun.  But her reaction was funny.  I might just do this one again occasionally.

3). Pretend you’re a robot
Walk down the street with mechanical movements, adding ‘zzzzzt’ sounds with each motion. Pretending to have a motor broken in, say, your left hand can add at least 30 seconds more entertainment.

Now this would be okay if I were out somewhere as I’m walking with a walking frame.    In fact, I have to go out tomorrow, so I just might try it.  If you get a phone call from me, would you rescue me from the funny farm in Blenheim?  I’m wondering what the left hand can add though – that part doesn’t quite make sense.  I’ll improvise though.

4). Pinch yourself
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Why would I even want to make myself be in pain?  I’m already in pain.  Pain hurts.  It makes time go by slower.  Not a good idea.  Boredom will feel no nicer afterwards!

5). Try to swallow your tongue
There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible, but really stupid.

Yes – very stupid – why is it even on a list of 75 things to do if you’re bored?   If you swallow your tongue, you’ll need to get to an emergency room straight away to let them know.  I wonder if they will know what  ‘hi   i  ha swwow ma ua’ acutally means Hi, I have swallowed my tongue’.  (I had to act that out to see what it would sound like  It relieved my boredom for all of 5 seconds.  My cat looked at me really – she must be getting used to weird things from me by now – surely!)

6). Get yourself as nauseated as possible
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the “makes boredom seem a lot better” effect (see “Hurt Yourself”).

As a person who gets dizzy frequently without looking straight up and spinning around, I see no ‘boredom relief’ potential or fun in this.  Why anyone would want to feel this way is beyond me.  I have problems understanding why people go on roller coasters, scream their heads off, come off green, then do it again.  They call it fun.  I call it stupidity.  Brainless.

7. Invent a weird twitch
Adopt a bizarre twitch (e.g. flicking your head irregularly, twitching with eye or busting out sporadic cough noises) and try it out when you go shopping.

I already have one.  I’ts called a limp.  It’s why the Surgeon abducted me.  Adopting another twitch to go with the limp would probably make me fall over.  Not a good idea.

8). Pretend to be a car
Make appropriate revving noises in your head as you walk along and add a racing commentary as you pass strangers in the street. Use blinking eyes as indicators for extra authenticity.

Blinking eyes as indicators??  Does that mean you’re going to turn left and right simultaneously?  I could probably do that.  But I can’t wink.  Never been able to, so I wouldn’t be able to indicate at all.  If I did that down here though, with my limp and my walking frame, I would definitely be carried away by men in white coats.

9). Try to not think about penguins
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.

Hard?  I never think of penguins.  They don’t enter my mind.  Ever.  Except when I see the movie March of the Penguins.    I’ve just tried it right now.  Not thinking about penguins.  I had no problem – I thought about aliens, sex, vibrators, torches, electricity, (because I had my power bill), food, my mobile phone.  Nope –  I never did think of a penguin. So I don’t see what is especially hard about it.  Maybe the author doesn’t have a lot to think about?

10. Make a low buzzing noise
Hours of fun in libraries! Keeping a totally straight face and looking nonchalant, make a low pitch humming/buzzing noise and see who reacts.

Has this guy who wrote this website been in a library lately?  It’s not a place of quiet anymore.  A low pitched humming/buzzing noise emanates from the computers 100% of the time, so it’s not going to surprise anyone.  Hours of fun?  I don’t think so.  Besides, I would never be bored in a library, I would be collecting good books to read, and researching all kind of things.

Maybe I’ll head to the library tomorrow to get out of my boredom of the day!!  But I won’t be swallowing my tongue.  Not even if I’m hungry!

Cheers

Robyn

Dear Robyn,

Dear god, how do you find these weird things like P-Mate?! I choked on my coffee, barfed up a lung and fell off my chair laughing. I can just imagine you trying that out on one of your photography shoots up some mountain. Worse, I can imagine you are going to make me try that when I come to Blenheim! So, I confess, it’s fun being a logical nerdy girl and sharing an interest in fun stuff with the boys like sound engineering, Turing Machines, robots, electric guitars and fast cars but I draw the line at standing up to pee!

And okay, okay already! I know I have been absent for a week…. Actually I am lying completely. I have no idea how long it’s been. Or where I’ve been. What day is it? As you’ve pointed out to me before “Your brain is miles ahead of your body – in outer space!” So, sorry to disappoint you. You weren’t expecting my body and brain to meet up some time this week and get co-ordinated with each other so I could log into Skype were you? Could be a mission considering neither of them has a sense of direction or a GPS Unit. One thing I am certain of though – I have definitely not been abducted by aliens!

I wondered how long it would take you to wangle “anal probe” into one of our blog posts (I can hear you now “If an alien civilization is sophistocated enough to travel this far to our galaxy to abduct us you would think they’d have a better way of figuring out how we tick than sticking …” ahem yes Robyn!) I guess for anyone who doesn’t know us we should explain what the fascination with alien abductions is. Well, I’m interested from a psychological perspective because it fascinates me why anyone would believe they have been abducted in the first place… and with you, well, you are just warped!

Anyway the real reason I have not been online lately is because I am making a web mess stuff. Hence I don’t really have time to write a whole blog post. So instead I am going to post something I posted last year about aliens the last time we discussed this which still makes me laugh (is it wrong if you crack up at your own blog post?) I seem to remember I wrote this because my friend was moaning he hated his job and we thought abduction would be a cool excuse for him going AWOL. Of course I don’t really think that’s his solution, though if aliens really abducted him that would be a great way for me to get out of listening to the moaning! Gets a bit tiring considering my job is cool. I have to confess to being majorly tempted to changing my business name to “The Alien Abduction Company” after I wrote that. Shame some weirdos who actually believe they have been abducted have already named theirs like this! Anyway, to the post Batman….

If You Hate Your Job Aliens Will Abduct You.
Friday, 13 March 2009

Robyn and I were having a laugh earlier about what kind of silly businesses we could create for fun and one idea that came up was a business that creates excuses for people to be absent from jobs they really, really, really hate. My favourite idea that came up was “The Alien Abduction Company”. Fed up with your tortuously mundane and dull job? Call “The Alien Abduction Company” and they’ll send two “aliens” kitted out in grey Spandex and fencing masks with big vacant eyes glued to the front, to drop by in a spaceship painted Smart Car to “abduct” you to their planet … (actually they’ll just take you to a party at the pub down the road full of beer and girls but no one needs to know that). They’ll have Wi-Fi at the pub so you can email the terrible news from “outer space”:

“Dear Boss,

Kevin here. I am sorry I will not be into the office today as I have been abducted by aliens. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

PS: The experiments are horrendous, but surprisingly much more bearable than my actual job so I think I’ll opt for staying on the ship a bit longer and endure being tortured here rather than in the office, thanks!

PPS: If you are looking for the rest of Sales and Marketing, I’m sorry but Baz, Dave and Jeff have been abducted as well.

PPPS: The aliens appear to be trying to drug us with some sort of tranquillizer – a strange liquid which is amber coloured and has a white froth on the top and has a consistency and taste something like beer….. funny, makes your head spin and blurs your vision just like beer too……

PPPPS: I think they are also running some sort of breeding program in an attempt to continue their race which, unfortunately has now dwindled to a purely female population and is in danger of becoming extinct. Fortunately the aliens aren’t too bad looking because they have genetically modified themselves for our benefit to look exactly like Hooters Girls!

PPPPPS: Don’t waste tax payer money sending a rescue space shuttle or contacting SETI. I am sure we can all survive this terrible ordeal and convince the aliens to return us to Earth in time for pay cheque collection on Thursday.

PPPPPPS: Understandably I think our nerves are going to be shot by the time we get back to Earth and that could result in some under performance in our jobs. I’m sure you’ll understand though that this might make it hard for us to meet the stiff sales targets Management have set for the latest Quarter. If you could perhaps convince them to go easy on their expectations and also give us some paid leave so we can take time off to recover that would be really helpful.

Thanks for being so understanding.

Kev.

(Incidentally, I am going to be changing my name by deed poll to Richard when I return just in case any of these alien females try it on for child support or marriage).”

Ha! Don’t think this would make a very good business. But sticking with the alien theme I am in the middle of inventing a game with ETs in it that combines elements of chess, Turing Machines, Poker and Conway’s mathematics…. should appeal to an audience of 1 – Sheldon off Big Bang Theory!

Morgan 😛

Image by Spekulator