By Morgan MacLaren
This post is rated R_18 for humans and R_50 days for mice…
I think you are in serious trouble. I laughed my arse off at your last post about the mice. I hear you still haven’t caught the two that were hiding in your bedroom. This doesn’t bode well because I did some research into mice and there are some alarming statistics for what “two” mice of opposite gender are capable of in their lifetimes… Did you realise:
- Mice are a bit like, ahem… rabbits… in that they like do house maintenance. (Particularly screwing in lightbulbs*)
- Mice have litters of 10 pups on average after a 20 day gestation period
- 25 days after the pups are born and have been weaned the females are ready for lightbulb duty again
- 50 days after pups are born they themselves are old enough to go to Uni and get up to no good with their own lightbulbs and the other student mice their own age.
This makes for rather an alarming possibility. A population explosion in your bedroom! If we presume that your two mice are a boy called Bertie and a girl called Beatrice and that all litters created are 50% split male and female, I imagine your mice population might unfold something like this over the coming year – remembering that with each generation of pups there is a growing number of partners available:
(And in case you are wondering – yes, I did actually do the math for this! I am not guessing. You can download my calculations and check them with this .xls mice breeding )
Day 0 (The day you lost your two mice)
Our darling little pair, Bertie and Beatrice notice the lights aren’t working in your bedroom and decide to screw in a lightbulb* for you. (Aww, such thoughful guests!)
Bertie and Beatrice become the proud parents of 10 skirming “pinkies” called Boris, Benjamin, Bucko, Baldrick, Bartie, Britta, Bronhilda, Berta, Betsy and Brenna (aka “Team 2″)
Whatdaya know? That bloody lightbulb blew again. Bertie and Beatrice to the rescue.
Bertie and Beatrice become the parents of 10 more little darlings: Curtis, Calvin, Colin, Clayton, Clem, Carla, Crystal, Cybil, Cindy and Cloe (Team 3).
The 10 “B” named boys and girls from Team 2 reach University age and learn to screw in their own lightbulbs at their student flats (your sock drawers)… (that’s 5 girls and 5 boys with the potential to make 50 kids each litter)
Bertie and Beatrice have a romantic evening “celebrating” after the birth of their first 50 new grand children from their “B” Team 2 children (aka Team 10**)
Bertie and Beatrice spawn Team 4 (Douglas, Dorris, D… oh b*gger the names! Who can keep track of 30 kids?)
Team 2 make repairs in the student flats again and teach their Team 3 siblings how to do this at the same time.
Bertie and Beatrice have a ANOTHER romantic evening “celebrating” the birth of their next 100 grand children from both their “B” and “C” children (Teams 11 and 12).
Team 10 fix some lightbulbs
Bertie and Beatrice create 10 more sproglets called Team 5
Teams 2-4 have a mass celebration to welcome Team 10′s litter of 250 pups (affectionately called Team 38)
Bertie and Beatrice go out partying, get pissed and make a boo boo after celebrating the birth of their 150 extra grand children to their kids from Teams 2-4
Teams 10-12 have a party
Bertie and Beatrice obtain 10 new screaming pink things with stinky nappies (Team 6)….
Teams 2-5 have a great time in the sock drawer and Teams 10-12 relocate to bigger premises in the wardrobe to accomodate their 750 new pups born today (Teams 39-41)!
Team 38 screw in 125 lightbulbs and blow a fuse.
Bertie and Beatrice who’ve decided they definitely don’t want any more kids ditch that idea when they see their newest and cutest 200 grand children to Teams 2-5 and decide to make one more litter…
Party at the student flats with lotsa socks flying for Teams 10-15 and 1’250 sprogs are born to Team 38.
Bertie and Beatrice deliver their Team 7 set of 10 sprogs.
Teams 2-6 launch Squeak-Fest in the linen cupboard to mark the opening of a great new nightclub and visit the hospital (the bathroom medicine cabinet) afterwards to visit Teams 10 – 15 and see their 1’500 little ones (Teams 42-47)
Teams 38-41 hold Squeak-A-Thon party at Club Linen
Bertie and Beatrice accidentally screw in a lightbulb and Teams 2-6 produce 250 more grand kids (Teams 20-24)
Teams 10-19 find 250 accidental lightbults also but are not put off using them even when greeted with 5’000 new screaming arrivals from Teams 38-41
Bertie and Beatrice decide with the arrival of Team 8 that 80 offspring is more than enough and they’re never doing round the clock feeds and nappies again.
Teams 2-7 are happy to have more sprogs though and hold another party at Linen while 2’500 new sproglets are delivered in the BIG new hospital (the bathroom vanity cupboards) to Teams 10 – 19
Teams 38-47 find the mirror ball in the walk in closet and start a new night club called “Ball” which requires the installation of 1’250 lights, while Team 73 introduce 6’250 future club goer to the world.
Bertie and Beatrice attempt changing a lightbulb with “protection” (the plastic lunch wrap from the kitchen Pharmacy up the hall), Teams 2-7 spawn 300 new members to create Teams 25-30
750 party-goers boogy at Ball for Teams 10-24 while the hospital in the vanity unit has a catastrophy trying to deliver 12’500 pups for Teams 38-47 all on the same night.
Teams 73-77 mate for the first time. All 6’250 of them. Seriously? Don’t they know what a hassle they are making for the hospital in the future?
Bertie and Beatrice get the fright of their lives when they discover the plastic wrap didn’t work and they now have a Team 9!
Teams 2-7 shout Team 8 free drinks at Ball and Teams 10 – 24 spit out 3’750 new pinkies.
All hell breaks loose as Team 38-57 do a bad thing at a club crawl of Linen, Ball and the new Attic Club. Mondo sized Teams 73-77 overload the newly created “Bathtub Hospital” with 31’250 pups making Teams 109-113
A quiet one. Teams 2-8 create 350 new kiddies
Mondo Mayhem. 25’000 pups born to Teams 38-57 making the total population 91’482!!!
So there you have it. If you don’t manage to catch those mice by the end of the year you will have 91’482 little stinky inhabitants in your room!
Of course there is something else to consider here. Generally speaking critters from the same close family don’t mate otherwise you get inbreeding (well, except in some countries….). So either this means a good thing – you won’t have 91,000+ mice in your room, or a bad one – you will and they all have 2 heads, five arms and seven tails!
I wish you and the cat A LOT OF GOOD LUCK!
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. But I don’t know how you get them in there!
I named the teams in generations:
Team 1 = Bertie and Beatrice
Teams 2-9 = Their own children (litters of 10)
Teams 10-37 = Their grand children (litters of 50)
Teams 38-72 = Their great-grand children (litters of 250)
And so on…. up to Team 113 (litter of 6’250)
Some teams did not produce offspring as they were born less than 70 before the end of the year.